Yes, I realize it's been a very long time since my last post. I had a good story to share about a week ago, spent a LONG time writing it, but when I tried to upload it, the site logged me out, and I lost all of my progress except for a paragraph or two that automatically saved. Having invested 2 hours into writing it, only to have nothing to show for it was crushing, and I couldn't bring myself to rewrite it right away. However, due to a lack of interesting events in my life, I've decided to give it another shot, so my readers wont think I've forgotten about them. This version is not as polished as the original, but it's as good as I can recall at this point.....
Just under a week ago, I was sitting at home, watching politics with my father, just relaxing. All of a sudden, I was struck with an intense desire to make 'Buffalo Chicken Dip' (strange, I know, but what can I say? I'm a bit of an odd duck, haha).
When it became apparent that this craving was not going to go away until I actually consumed some dip, I decided to head to Stop&Shop. Once there, I was rather disappointed that nothing interesting happened(usually Stop&Shop late at night is a hot-bed of strange stuff), but with no distractions, I got what I needed and was out of there in record time. As I pulled out of the parking lot, I realized I had forgotten to pick up something to drink, and not wanting to return to the grocery store, I decided I would head to the Walgreen's on Main St in Melrose that I frequent.
En route, I was growing increasingly furious that all of the radio stations seem to go to commercials at the same exact time... SIX preset stations, ALL commercials at the same time! It's maddening! As I entered Melrose, I tried my luck with Kiss 108 and was pleasantly surprised to hear they were playing Santeria by Sublime (a rare treat). Being a big Sublime fan, I happily turned it up as I made my entrance into the Walgreen's parking lot. I turned off the engine and made my way into the store with a totally unnecessary strut.
Once inside, I made eye contact with the cashier who is often there when I drop by, and he gave me a 'Cool-Guy Head Nod'. I shot one back at him, and made a B-line towards the aisle with all the refrigerated drinks and food are, so I could grab myself an Arnold Palmer. I turned the corner to see an exceptionally attractive girl rummaging through the fridge with all the Arizona beverages. Needing to get in there myself, I patiently waited my turn when she noticed me and said:
Girl: I'm sorry, am I in your way?
Me: No worries, take your time.
Girl: (smiling) Thank you
Now, the Gentlemen in me didn't want to push this lovely lady out of the way, but the 20 year old College guy in me just wanted her to keep digging so I could continue to check her out (so sue me...). This girl was stunning, and just my type. Average height, dark wavy hair, nice body, well dressed, great smile, NATURALLY tan (not that artificial stuff girls do these days that turn them, orange). She even had glasses which is one of my lesser known turn-ons.
As I stood there simultaneously admiring her and trying to come up with something clever to say, I suddenly heard her call out "OH!" and I heard a thud. A can of Cranberry flavored Arizona Iced-Tea came rolling to a stop at my feet. I picked it up and she said:
Girl: I'm so sorry!
Me: Think nothing of it(new phrase I'm trying out, btw), But I don't think you're going to want this back....
Girl: how come?
I turned the can over and revealed to her the massive dent that had formed by the can smacking into the floor. She looked a little upset and asked me what she should do with it. I took this opportunity to impress her with my suave coolness, and told her not to worry. I proceeded to explain to her that behind the rows of drinks is a large cold storage room, so the people restocking can go back there, and just put the cans on the shelf and they slide down to the front. So I opened the door, and said "We'll just slide it up to the back... out of sight out of mind." So I did as I said I would and slid the can towards the back of the shelf, however I put just a bit too much force behind it and it slid back and dropped off slamming on the floor of the storage room. I assume the can had punctured because a loud hiss was heard, though I couldn't see anything, so who knows for sure. I turned back around and the girl was standing there, her eyes open wide, and her hands over her mouth. There was a moment of silence and finally I said:
Me: There's No chance you'd believe that I MEANT to do that, is there?
She lowered her hands from her mouth to reveal she was smiling, and we simultaneously broke out into boisterous laughter. All of a sudden, from around the corner came three guys, or as I call them "King Douche and the two Bags". It's difficult to explain what exactly it was, but just by looking at them it was clear they qualified for my hatred (I know many of you know the type I mean) Suddenly King Douche puts his arm around the beautiful stranger and said:
King Douche: Did you get your drinks, yet, Babe?
Girl: Oh, No, but I'm all set
King Douche; GOOD! I want to get out of here, and you're taking forever!
As they turned to go, I spoke up:
Me: Well, it was Very nice talking to you
Girl; (smiling) Thanks! You too!
They exited from sight but not before I got the evil eyes from K.D. As they turned the corner I heard him questioning her about who I was, so I felt a sense of personal victory because I made him suspicious.
I reopened the fridge, but it seemed the hissing had stopped. I got myself an Arnold Palmer and proceeded towards the front. I made forced small talk with the cashier, paid and proceeded to the exit. I noticed the Beautiful Stranger and her Clown Crew were still outside as one of the two Bags was smoking a cigarette. I made my way past K.D who was clearly sizing me up. I looked at his lovely girlfriend, smiled and said "Enjoy your night" she returned the words, and whist still locked into eye contact with her, I activated my car's auto-start. Suddenly Bon Jovi's "Bad Medicine" came blasting out of the speakers, and I strutted to my vehicle. Before I made my way out of the lot, I pulled up along side the group and said to the young lady, "Wanna go for a ride?" her eyes lit up, and she sprinted to the car, jumped into the passenger seat, and we drove off into the night...................................................
Ok, obviously that's not quite how it ended, as much as I would have liked it to.
here is the (Tragic) true ending......
Everything was perfect up until we wishsed each other a good night and I pulled out the auto-starter. It was no sooner that I pushed the button that I remembered the horrible truth..... The last station the car radio was on was Kiss 108! Before my brain could even process a pained "NOOOO!" the engine kicked on and Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" came blaring out of the speakers. I raced over to the car to turn it off, but the damage had already been done. I looked up and saw the beautiful stranger looking humiliated, while King Douche and the two Bags were practically rolling on the ground in laughter.
All I wanted was some Buffalo Chicken Dip, but what I got instead was crushing embarassment. This night shall live in infamy as the night of my 'Buffalo Flavored Nightmare'
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Making an unwanted friend....
Winter Break is winding down, and as we all know, Weekends have no real meaning during vacation.
That being said, this weekend has been pretty good so far (at least for you readers who are looking for some entertainment)
Let me take you to Friday.
The day began like a majority of the days this vacation...Not much went on, just slept in, kicked back and relaxed all day.
Finally the sun began to set and I got ready to head to the movies with Brendan Norton, Susan Grimmo, Christian Chrysos, and Alex Accardi. We went into Cambridge to see 'Blue Valentine'
For those of you interested in seeing it, I wont give too much away, but I'll give a real bare-bones review:
At the very beginning I failed to see the overall point of the movie, and as a result I struggled getting into it. However as it progressed I started to really enjoy it. Personally I think Ryan Gosling did a great job and really pulled out all the stops in his performance. Michelle Williams also played her role quite well, it just didn't stand out as much. There were however some flaws to the film, most notably the fact that the writer quite obviously intended 'Cindy' (Michelle Williams' character) to be more of the 'Bad Guy' and get the audience to side with 'Dean' (Ryan Gosling's character).
Now the reason I say that it was intended to be that way is because there was a large focus on Dean's past, showing his work ethic, how he interacts with people, etc. Where as Cindy had very little character development from past to present. As a result, the audience (myself included) really couldn't relate to Cindy because we didn't know anything about her.
That being said, overall I give the movie a B/B+... not perfect, but still really good. If you're thinking of seeing it, I recommend it.
Now lets be honest, those of you reading this most likely came to read about something comical or interesting that happened to me, not my Half-Assed movie reviews. So I have an entertaining encounter to share:
First, any guys reading this can relate to the story I'm about to tell as we've all experienced it at one point or another and it's always horrible. But any ladies reading, let me fill you in... there is an unwritten law of manhood that states, if you go into a public restroom, and someone is using one of the urinals, if there are other urinals available, under NO circumstances is it acceptable to go up and use the one directly next to the stranger already going.... the problem is, not everyone out there abides by this law. When you face one of these 'lawbreakers' you get a similar situation like the one I had...
We had just sat down in the theater, and the trailers had begun when I realized I had to use the restroom. I waited for a lull in the movie(as I had mentioned, it was difficult getting into at first), and I made my move. Now the interesting thing about this particular theater which, by the way, was just called "Cinema" (that point has nothing to do with the story, but as a guy who frequents 'National Amusements Showcase Cinemas' I just found it a little odd) is that you need to go on a Journey to get to the bathroom. You need to go up a flight of stairs, and then proceed down a long, narrow, winding, poorly lit hallway. The bathroom itself is very nice and clean, and I wont lie, I was relieved to see I was the only one in there. I started towards the Urinals, but stopped for a moment or two to check myself out in the mirror.
Suddenly I heard a very faint noise in the distance. As it slowly grew louder I identified it as whistling. Having just been through the spooky hallway, combined with the acoustics of the bathroom, the disembodied sound of whistling getting closer and closer to me made me absolutely terrified. I raced over to the urinals, but before I could even loosen my belt, the door popped open and in stepped a strange man. He was an older gent, probably late 50's-early 60's, short, balding, glasses, and thick beard stubble. He just stood in the doorway and looked at me. Trying desperately not to make eye contact with him I looked straight ahead, but with my peripherals I saw he was beginning his approach towards me. Just as I had finished saying in my head "please don't come up next to me!" He settled in the Urinal directly to my right.
Now ladies, the aforementioned 'unwritten law' about not using the urinal next to stranger? That's inappropriate, but to proceed to strike up a conversation with said stranger, is completely unacceptable..... guess what our friend the Whistler did?
Whistler: (sounds of relief upon use of the urinal) AHHHH-OHHHH!
Me:.....
Whistler: How's it going?
Me.....Fine......
Whistler: Good! Good!
Me.....
Whistler: So... what are you seeing?
Me:.....Blue Valentine.....
Whistler: Nice how is it?
Me: ...Fine...
Whistler: AHHH-OHHH! Feels great, you know what I mean? hahahahaha
Me: (almost in tears of discomfort) ......... yeah.......
Luckily, after what seemed like an eternity, I had completed my 'Business' and dashed out back to the theater.
Let me take a second to clarify, I'm sure he was just being friendly. I don't have issue with people being nice to each other, But at the urinal in the public bathroom is not the time nor the place. No man (with the apparent exception of Chatty-Cathy here) is comfortable talking to another strange man whilst they are in a position as vulnerable as that. As a result, I was being very cold towards him, intentionally giving him short and quick responses. I wasn't TRYING to be a jerk, I just really wanted him to stop talking to me, or at least wait until we were at the sinks. But sadly.... that was not the case.
That being said, this weekend has been pretty good so far (at least for you readers who are looking for some entertainment)
Let me take you to Friday.
The day began like a majority of the days this vacation...Not much went on, just slept in, kicked back and relaxed all day.
Finally the sun began to set and I got ready to head to the movies with Brendan Norton, Susan Grimmo, Christian Chrysos, and Alex Accardi. We went into Cambridge to see 'Blue Valentine'
For those of you interested in seeing it, I wont give too much away, but I'll give a real bare-bones review:
At the very beginning I failed to see the overall point of the movie, and as a result I struggled getting into it. However as it progressed I started to really enjoy it. Personally I think Ryan Gosling did a great job and really pulled out all the stops in his performance. Michelle Williams also played her role quite well, it just didn't stand out as much. There were however some flaws to the film, most notably the fact that the writer quite obviously intended 'Cindy' (Michelle Williams' character) to be more of the 'Bad Guy' and get the audience to side with 'Dean' (Ryan Gosling's character).
Now the reason I say that it was intended to be that way is because there was a large focus on Dean's past, showing his work ethic, how he interacts with people, etc. Where as Cindy had very little character development from past to present. As a result, the audience (myself included) really couldn't relate to Cindy because we didn't know anything about her.
That being said, overall I give the movie a B/B+... not perfect, but still really good. If you're thinking of seeing it, I recommend it.
Now lets be honest, those of you reading this most likely came to read about something comical or interesting that happened to me, not my Half-Assed movie reviews. So I have an entertaining encounter to share:
First, any guys reading this can relate to the story I'm about to tell as we've all experienced it at one point or another and it's always horrible. But any ladies reading, let me fill you in... there is an unwritten law of manhood that states, if you go into a public restroom, and someone is using one of the urinals, if there are other urinals available, under NO circumstances is it acceptable to go up and use the one directly next to the stranger already going.... the problem is, not everyone out there abides by this law. When you face one of these 'lawbreakers' you get a similar situation like the one I had...
We had just sat down in the theater, and the trailers had begun when I realized I had to use the restroom. I waited for a lull in the movie(as I had mentioned, it was difficult getting into at first), and I made my move. Now the interesting thing about this particular theater which, by the way, was just called "Cinema" (that point has nothing to do with the story, but as a guy who frequents 'National Amusements Showcase Cinemas' I just found it a little odd) is that you need to go on a Journey to get to the bathroom. You need to go up a flight of stairs, and then proceed down a long, narrow, winding, poorly lit hallway. The bathroom itself is very nice and clean, and I wont lie, I was relieved to see I was the only one in there. I started towards the Urinals, but stopped for a moment or two to check myself out in the mirror.
Suddenly I heard a very faint noise in the distance. As it slowly grew louder I identified it as whistling. Having just been through the spooky hallway, combined with the acoustics of the bathroom, the disembodied sound of whistling getting closer and closer to me made me absolutely terrified. I raced over to the urinals, but before I could even loosen my belt, the door popped open and in stepped a strange man. He was an older gent, probably late 50's-early 60's, short, balding, glasses, and thick beard stubble. He just stood in the doorway and looked at me. Trying desperately not to make eye contact with him I looked straight ahead, but with my peripherals I saw he was beginning his approach towards me. Just as I had finished saying in my head "please don't come up next to me!" He settled in the Urinal directly to my right.
Now ladies, the aforementioned 'unwritten law' about not using the urinal next to stranger? That's inappropriate, but to proceed to strike up a conversation with said stranger, is completely unacceptable..... guess what our friend the Whistler did?
Whistler: (sounds of relief upon use of the urinal) AHHHH-OHHHH!
Me:.....
Whistler: How's it going?
Me.....Fine......
Whistler: Good! Good!
Me.....
Whistler: So... what are you seeing?
Me:.....Blue Valentine.....
Whistler: Nice how is it?
Me: ...Fine...
Whistler: AHHH-OHHH! Feels great, you know what I mean? hahahahaha
Me: (almost in tears of discomfort) ......... yeah.......
Luckily, after what seemed like an eternity, I had completed my 'Business' and dashed out back to the theater.
Let me take a second to clarify, I'm sure he was just being friendly. I don't have issue with people being nice to each other, But at the urinal in the public bathroom is not the time nor the place. No man (with the apparent exception of Chatty-Cathy here) is comfortable talking to another strange man whilst they are in a position as vulnerable as that. As a result, I was being very cold towards him, intentionally giving him short and quick responses. I wasn't TRYING to be a jerk, I just really wanted him to stop talking to me, or at least wait until we were at the sinks. But sadly.... that was not the case.
I realize this particular post is starting to go much longer than my past updates, so I'll wrap it up before it gets tedious for those of you reading, haha.
Until next post....
Friday, January 7, 2011
Not much to report
I suppose I should begin by apologizing for the fact that it's been a few days since my last update.
First off I need to acknowledge the fact that the last time I updated I had only 2 followers, and now I have 6. I realize this has been chiefly due to my good friend TORI IOVANNI, who has recently taken it upon herself to begin a campaign to get followers for this blog. Thank You very much, and keep it up... That goes for the rest of my followers as well. If you like what you read here, don't hesitate to get the word out. The more followers I have the more inclined I'll be to keep up with it on a more regular basis.
Now, my last post was the story of my encounter of the two very large girls and their search for "Reeesins", and those who have read it have been giving it a lot of praise. As a result of that, I was hesitant to update again until I had another tale to share, unfortunately not much excitement has been going on lately. This is mainly due to the fact that my 'Crew' is still in shambles.
Andrew Brown is off living in Monaco where he will be spending the Spring semester (lucky bastard)
Francis Brown is still busy with his duties as manager of the Boston University Basketball team
Brendan Howard is on 'Alternative Winter Break' down in Honduras building houses for poor people (I know... I'm, Uhh..... Jealous?)
So that just leaves myself and Brendan Norton, which is great, don't get me wrong, but you can only go on so many 'Man-Dates' before you need a little rest from each other, haha.
However, tomorrow is Friday and thus, the start of the weekend (not that weekends have any meaning whilst on Vacation) so hopefully I'll stumble on something more interesting, as I have tendency to do. But if not... I may just have to go looking for a story, to keep you, my precious followers, entertained.
First off I need to acknowledge the fact that the last time I updated I had only 2 followers, and now I have 6. I realize this has been chiefly due to my good friend TORI IOVANNI, who has recently taken it upon herself to begin a campaign to get followers for this blog. Thank You very much, and keep it up... That goes for the rest of my followers as well. If you like what you read here, don't hesitate to get the word out. The more followers I have the more inclined I'll be to keep up with it on a more regular basis.
Now, my last post was the story of my encounter of the two very large girls and their search for "Reeesins", and those who have read it have been giving it a lot of praise. As a result of that, I was hesitant to update again until I had another tale to share, unfortunately not much excitement has been going on lately. This is mainly due to the fact that my 'Crew' is still in shambles.
Andrew Brown is off living in Monaco where he will be spending the Spring semester (lucky bastard)
Francis Brown is still busy with his duties as manager of the Boston University Basketball team
Brendan Howard is on 'Alternative Winter Break' down in Honduras building houses for poor people (I know... I'm, Uhh..... Jealous?)
So that just leaves myself and Brendan Norton, which is great, don't get me wrong, but you can only go on so many 'Man-Dates' before you need a little rest from each other, haha.
However, tomorrow is Friday and thus, the start of the weekend (not that weekends have any meaning whilst on Vacation) so hopefully I'll stumble on something more interesting, as I have tendency to do. But if not... I may just have to go looking for a story, to keep you, my precious followers, entertained.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Jake vs the 'Reesins'
Today was a pretty low-key day. Not much went on in terms of entertainment, just me lounging around the house, relaxing a bit. It wasn't until around 11, when everyone in my house had decided to go to bed that I suddenly got horribly stir-crazy. In an attempt to cure it, I grabbed my keys and headed out for a short cruise around town.
Shortly after I headed out, I found myself driving past Stop&Shop. I decided to drop in and peruse the aisles for a while to kill a little time, and also see if I could score some snacks to enjoy when I got back home to watch tv and update this blog.
I eventually found myself in the candy aisle, and was thinking about how much I despise Dark Chocolate when I was suddenly cast into shadow. I turned to my left and saw two STRIKINGLY massive girls slowly making their way towards me. My 4+ years in retail have helped me form the ability to know when someone is going to approach me and ask me something, so in order to look too busy to chat I quickly picked up a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and started reading the ingredients. Alas, it didn't work, as I heard one girl tell the other, "Just ask him." and I prepared myself. The conversation I had went exactly like this:
Girl: excuse me, can I ask you a question?
Me: ....suuuuuuure....
Girl: Do you know where I can find Reeeesins?
Me: I'm sorry, what are you looking for?
Girl: Reeeesins! You know, their like grapes, but they're dry and wrinkly.
at this point my brain was telling me there was no way this conversation could be real, but I kept it together and said:
Me: do you mean RAISINS? Yeah, If I'm not mistaken the next aisle over has the Raisins and Craisins and all that stuff.
upon hearing this the girls eyes lit up and she said:
Girl: OOOOH! 'Craisins'?! Are those the ones with the Chocolate on them?!
Me: No? They're Raisins just made from Cranberries as opposed to Grapes.
Girl: Ooh that too bad,..... well it's still cool. Are those new or something?
At this point I physically looked around expecting to see Ashton Kutcher standing behind me telling me I was being 'Punked'. However when I didn't see any hidden cameras coming out of the Snicker's bars, I looked back at her and realized she was in fact being serious, and I needed to respond:
Me: No, They've been around for a while, but they're not s popular as Raisins, so that might be why you haven't heard of them.
Girl: Yeah, that would make sense...
Me:....
Girl....
The looming silence made all the more apparent the fact that there was absolutely no reason for this girl to still be standing there, breathing heavily, and performing an eclipse over the lights of the supermarket. I then noticed her equally large friend on the approach, and I knew I had to act fast and distract them long enough for me to make a break for it. Then it came to me:
Me: But, if you're looking for the ones with the chocolate, they're called 'Raisinets', and they're considered candy so they should be somewhere in this aisle.
Girl's Friend: o0o0o0o0o0o0o0oh! Let's get some, Sarah!
When 'Sarah' and her nameless friend were distracted by the thought of diving into a few thousand boxes of Raisinets, I made my escape, and safely returned home, to share this story here via the Blog.... and so there you have it. Not the most thrilling day, but at least I got a decent enough story out of it, haha
Shortly after I headed out, I found myself driving past Stop&Shop. I decided to drop in and peruse the aisles for a while to kill a little time, and also see if I could score some snacks to enjoy when I got back home to watch tv and update this blog.
I eventually found myself in the candy aisle, and was thinking about how much I despise Dark Chocolate when I was suddenly cast into shadow. I turned to my left and saw two STRIKINGLY massive girls slowly making their way towards me. My 4+ years in retail have helped me form the ability to know when someone is going to approach me and ask me something, so in order to look too busy to chat I quickly picked up a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and started reading the ingredients. Alas, it didn't work, as I heard one girl tell the other, "Just ask him." and I prepared myself. The conversation I had went exactly like this:
Girl: excuse me, can I ask you a question?
Me: ....suuuuuuure....
Girl: Do you know where I can find Reeeesins?
Me: I'm sorry, what are you looking for?
Girl: Reeeesins! You know, their like grapes, but they're dry and wrinkly.
at this point my brain was telling me there was no way this conversation could be real, but I kept it together and said:
Me: do you mean RAISINS? Yeah, If I'm not mistaken the next aisle over has the Raisins and Craisins and all that stuff.
upon hearing this the girls eyes lit up and she said:
Girl: OOOOH! 'Craisins'?! Are those the ones with the Chocolate on them?!
Me: No? They're Raisins just made from Cranberries as opposed to Grapes.
Girl: Ooh that too bad,..... well it's still cool. Are those new or something?
At this point I physically looked around expecting to see Ashton Kutcher standing behind me telling me I was being 'Punked'. However when I didn't see any hidden cameras coming out of the Snicker's bars, I looked back at her and realized she was in fact being serious, and I needed to respond:
Me: No, They've been around for a while, but they're not s popular as Raisins, so that might be why you haven't heard of them.
Girl: Yeah, that would make sense...
Me:....
Girl....
The looming silence made all the more apparent the fact that there was absolutely no reason for this girl to still be standing there, breathing heavily, and performing an eclipse over the lights of the supermarket. I then noticed her equally large friend on the approach, and I knew I had to act fast and distract them long enough for me to make a break for it. Then it came to me:
Me: But, if you're looking for the ones with the chocolate, they're called 'Raisinets', and they're considered candy so they should be somewhere in this aisle.
Girl's Friend: o0o0o0o0o0o0o0oh! Let's get some, Sarah!
When 'Sarah' and her nameless friend were distracted by the thought of diving into a few thousand boxes of Raisinets, I made my escape, and safely returned home, to share this story here via the Blog.... and so there you have it. Not the most thrilling day, but at least I got a decent enough story out of it, haha
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