The steep price of comedy

I will preface this story by bringing everybody up to speed on something: I currently have a job as a maintenance-man for a parking company. I do work at a number of lots/garages all over southern MA, so a majority of my time is spent in the company truck. Being on the road so much, jumping from town to town, you tend to see some interesting things.
Today while on my route, I drove by a children's tutoring center called "Mathnasium" you know, like a gymnasium... just with more math...

Finding the name humorous, I was inspired to film an "Instavideo" (or Instagram video, for those of you who aren't up on your social network slang)

I pulled into the parking lot, and hopped out to start setting up my shot. I wasn't there more than a minute when the front door suddenly swung open and one of the employees came outside. She began questioning who I was, what I wanted, why I was taking pictures of their building, etc.

I was frozen, like a deer in the headlights. I held my breath, my heart began to pound, and I suddenly found myself facing what is commonly referred to as "Fight or Flight." For those of you not familiar with this concept this is when an animal faces a situation it deems dangerous, so some turn and run as fast as they can, others turn and attack to defend themselves.

Now if I had chosen "flight" I could have very easily just pounced into my truck and sped off, I could have even tried the old slapstick routine where I point behind her and scream "LOOK OVER THERE!" and when she turned I could make my escape.

Unfortunately, this isn't what my brain decided to do. It decided to "fight".... and boy did it ever!

Me: Oh, uhh, well, I was just passing by and your sign caught my eye, so I decided to pull in and get a closer look.
Her: May I ask what you were taking pictures of?

Now at this time, I could have just told her the truth. This woman didn't know me, and she'd certainly never see me again, so who cares what she thought... right? Wrong! See, that's how a RATIONAL person thinks, but not Jake Amirault! I summoned all of my bullshitting skills that I've been cultivating over the past 23 years and pressed on:

Me: I wanted to send it to my wife so she could do a little research... we're looking at programs for our son.
Her: Oh, well as you could probably deduce from our name, our main focus is on mathematics. Is that one of his problem areas?
Me: Indeed it is... He gets it honestly, I'm afraid. Kid never had a chance.
**we shared a laugh**
Her: Well, if you'd like to come inside I'll show you around, tell you a bit more about us and get you some paperwork.

here's the kicker, everybody... I AGREED!

I followed her inside, and she introduced herself as the "Center Director" Suzanne, very nice woman by the way, but that's neither here nor there. There were no kids in there yet, as the official opening time is 3pm, but the she and another woman 'Charlotte' come in early to set up lesson plans and things of the sort. Suzanne was giving me a tour, and asking me basic small talk questions that I had to completely make up on the spot.

Name: Jack Stevens
Wife: Molly Stevens
Son: Charlie Stevens, age 9
Town: Hingham

She began sharing the history of the company, and I'm sure it would have been interesting, but I was too busy frantically thinking about how I was going to get away, and trying to figure out whether I'd die if I jumped out the window. Finally she said "If you wouldn't mind waiting, I'll go print you out some forms you and your wife can take a look at". I agreed with a smile and when she was out of sight I BOLTED down the stairs, out the door, jumped in the truck and was out of the parking lot before I even had the door closed.

All I wanted was to film a 15 second comedy sketch for my Instagram followers, and instead I was trapped in that fiasco.
Moral of the story? You have no idea what I put myself through for the sake of entertaining you guys... a little more appreciation now and then wouldn't kill you, would it?!

Return of the living dead

Guess who?!

It's been well over a year since my last post, and by now this blog is like an abandoned Amusement Park... you can tell this was once a happy place where people had fun and enjoyed spending their time, but now it's just dark, cold, and devoid of life.

At it's height, "Jake's Day-To-Day" was beginning to gain a following, and those who read it gave me praise fairly regularly. It was never my intention to let that fall to ruin, but you know how things go, sometimes life gets complicated and while you're trying to figure everything out your hobbies fall by the wayside.

I don't know what inspired it, but today I was suddenly compelled to get out the cleaning supplies, strap on the tool belt, to try to bring this ol' gal back to life.

I can't promise I'll post something everyday... in fact it's almost definite that I WON'T, but I can promise that I'll do my very best to keep this alive, and one day return to it's past glory.

If any of my former readers are seeing this right now, all I can say is "thank you" for sticking by me.... and I must ask that you don't stray too far, I may need to recruit you to help me begin my climb back towards the top.

Nostalgia Takes Hold

Earlier this afternoon I was wrapping up some errands, when I decided to go on a bit of a cruise around Malden (as I rarely have a vehicle available during the daytime). As I made my way down Salem street, I found myself coming up on my old middle school, Mystic Valley. When I passed I noticed the students outside enjoying their recess. Sounds of laughter and cheer filled the air, and I was suddenly overcome with envy.

I'm sure these kids are told all the time by their elders to enjoy themselves as much as possible because these are some of the best days of their lives. I'm also sure they brush it off every time they hear it... I know I used to. You see, when you're a kid you feel powerless and unappreciated, and all you want is to be an adult. Then you become an adult, and while it has plenty of perks, nostalgia becomes a constant in your life.

As I reflected, I suddenly found myself transported into the halls of that old building. It's not until years later that you realize the significance of that age. The relationships you cultivate, decisions you make, these things all help lay the foundation of the person you're going to become... I kept thinking, if I had only known then what I know now imagine what different directions my life may have taken.

When you're a kid, everything is overly dramatic and seems like the end of the world. Crushes, unrequited love, jealousy, losing friends, gaining enemies. But when you measure that petty stuff up to growing up, having responsibilities, people who depend on you, trying to find a direction for your future, and having a mountain of debt casting a shadow over your life, there's no comparison.

I won't lie, I miss it. Dare I say, I was even jealous


It was at this moment I snapped back to reality and realized I was holding up traffic, while simultaneously staring at a bunch of middle school kids playing in a schoolyard...... I promptly sped off hoping nobody had the sense to write down my license plate number.

Facing my (musical) demons

If you know me, you know I have a very eclectic music taste. You also know I sometimes tend to be a bit of a snob about it. I've been developing a bad habit lately of harshly criticizing people when I find out they listen to music I don't particularly enjoy *Cough Cough* COUNTRY *Cough Cough*. Not wanting to be seen as a jerk who sits on his musical pedestal and judges people's preferences while feeling infallible, I thought I'd open up a bit and reveal that even I am capable of having my "guilty pleasures" when it comes to my tracks. Thus, I ventured into the bowels of my collection to compile a list of ten of the most embarrassing songs I secretly enjoy. Now, I didn't go on an extensive search through all of my files to seek these out, I simply opened up my iTunes, and scrolled my playlists for the ridiculous things hidden within.

Please note: The following list is not in any particular order, just how they surfaced during my search.

10: Dead Or Alive: You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)

This song is one of the more popular ones on the list, by which I mean I'm sure a LOT more people out there than would like to admit, love this song. What it is about this track that is so entertaining? Is it the overly dramatic vocals? The absurdly flamboyant lead singer? The fact that the beat screams 1980's? Who knows. All I know is that it's impossible not to enjoy at least to some extent.

9: Stevie Knicks: Edge of Seventeen

Maybe it's because I'm fascinated by how Stevie's voice sounds like some kind of goat-woman hybrid, or maybe it's because I often confuse the opening riff with "Eye of the Tiger", whatever the appeal is I'm a big fan of this song and you should be too.

  

8: The Carpenters: Close to You

Now this song is tricky, because it's a true classic. It's beautifully written, and the late Karen Carpenter was truly talented. The reason I decided to add this one to the list is simply due to the fact that it contradicts my image so strongly it's comical. When strangers see me walking down the street the size I am, rocking a beard and an "I don't want to go to work" scowl, they expect me to be listening to death metal not a sweet upbeat ballad. 

7: Falco: Rock Me Amadeus

This is another 80's song (there are a couple more ahead, so get ready). I assume that his song is about the life and times of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart... I say "assume" because I don't speak German. Oh yeah, this song isn't in English, so like me I'm sure a lot people have no idea whats going on. Now the reason why I enjoy this song so much despite the fact that I can't understand it, is because it's catchy as all hell. In fact I challenge anyone who reads this to listen to at least half of the song and NOT spend the rest of the day chanting "Amadeus! Amadeus! Oh! Oh! Oh! AMADEUS!"... I know I will be

6: Kanjagoogoo: Too Shy

I wasn't lying when I said there would be more 80's music on the list, and this one is coated in the sleek dazzling veneer of the nineteen eighties. The slightly obnoxious verses, the killer hook, the use of instruments like the keyboard and electric drums, the androgynous lead singer.. It's a song that you may or may not be familiar with, but if you are "lucky" enough to be, you'll never admit how much you actually love it.

5: Wham: Wake Me Up (Before You Go-Go)

(Last 80's song, I promise) Let's stop kidding ourselves here... we all know this song, and even those of us who despise it, love it deep down. The verses have no substance, the chorus is repetitive, the clothing and dancing are absurd, and that's just the way the world has wanted it for the past 28 years. I know for a fact many of you reading this let out an audible groan as soon as you saw this one, but even now as you listen to it you're fighting off that smile that desperately wants to come across your face. Trust me I'm the same way... I loathe everything about this song, but I'm secure enough to admit that when it comes on my iPod I huff and puff, but can't bring myself to turn it off.

4: Enrique Iglesias: Bailamos

If you grew up in my era, there's a 99% chance you're familiar with this song. The song is actually pretty lame, and I truly have no use for Enrique, but I don't know, there's just something about it that stands out. When I hear this song it takes me back to 5th grade when I used to sing the chorus as " Here's my mole! Let the Doctor rip it right off of my nose!".... good times. 

3: Natalie Imbruglia: Torn

Young attractive woman, with a sweet voice, singing about how sad she is after losing her boyfriend. A perfectly respectable song to be a fan of... unless you're a 5'10 290lb 22 year old man with a full beard. But what can I say? When you grow up in the 1990's with an older sister, this kind of music gets drilled into your brain. I chock my enjoyment of it up to nostalgia and choose not to dwell on it any longer than that.

2: Kylie Minogue: Can't Get You Out Of My Head

This is another of those songs that I don't actually like, but I enjoy listening to it. The reason for that is yet again, due to nostalgia. I remember being completely enthralled by this video whenever it was on, and if you'd like to know why go ahead and fast-forward to minute 1:10-2:30. Now imagine being an 11 year old boy watching this... I think the rest is self explanatory

1: Britney Spears: (You Drive Me) Crazy

Growing up in the 1990's my generation experienced first hand the (various) rises and falls of Ms. Spears. Girls and boys alike all had/have one Britney Spears song that they can't deny they like. This one happens to be mine, and I'm not nearly as ashamed about that as I should be.... Go ahead and judge me! I dare you!

So that will about do it for my list. In all honestly, I could probably make a novel out of all the songs I'm embarrassed about enjoying. However, I won't subject you to that pain, or myself to the torture of digging them all up. At any rate, I appreciate you taking the time to read this post, and maybe I've inspired you to face your own musical demons.... I'm going to go listen to Led Zeppelin now and regain my masculinity.

Operation: Shadow Watch day 1

Yesterday was the official beginning of ‘Operation: Shadow Watch.’ It started out a little bumpy, but by the end it panned out quite well. Allow me to elaborate:

If you’ve been keeping up with my blog lately, you know what I’m taking about, but if you not then all you really need to know is the fact that this week I am taking care of my neighbor’s dog “Shadow” *pictured above* while they’re on vacation (though I suggest you go back and read the earlier post so you’ll be on the same page as everyone else…

Now I’ve never really had any extended interaction with this dog before, so I was a little unsure of just how he would take to me. Nevertheless I bucked up and reminded myself of the fact that animals have always seemed to like me, so this one shouldn’t be any different…but we would soon see if that was indeed the case.

My neighbors had let him out to do his ‘business’ yesterday morning before they left, so I didn’t have to worry about waking up extra early to handle it. I woke up at about 11(no classes Tuesdays and Thursdays), had a quick breakfast, and decided it was time to head over. Key tightly in hand, I slowly began my ascent up the long steep staircase leading to the front door. It was eerily silent for a few moments, but as soon as I inserted the key into the lock, frenzied barking was heard coming from inside. I disengaged the lock, gripped the doorknob, and took a deep breath before I opened the door. When Shadow saw me standing there as opposed to a member of his family, he barked a few more times and crouched down low, not taking his eyes off of me. I instantly knelt down and outstretched my hand for him to smell to see I wasn’t a threat. He did sniff it a few times, but then quickly turned and distanced himself from me.

I scanned the room, and suddenly my eyes caught a bag of treats on the counter, which gave me an idea… I would slip him a few, and essentially bribe him into liking me! I grabbed the bag, and pulled one out to offer him, but he just smelled it and turned away. Troubled by the fact that I was about to spend the next seven days with a dog that hated me, I noticed his tail was between his legs, he was crouched down low, and he was shivering a bit (which I thought was odd for such a large dog). That’s when I realized, it wasn’t that he didn’t like me… he was terrified of me!

After a few more attempts at offering a treat, he eventually accepted it from me, and in my joy of the breakthrough I gave him about four more. He finally began to relax a bit, and went over to curl up on the left side of the couch. Seeing this as a chance to get him used to me being around, I sat down on the opposite side, and put on the television.

I was watching the movie ‘Beerfest’ but it was on basic cable, so it was only about ½ as entertaining as usual. Somewhere along the way I ended up falling asleep, but was eventually woken up by air being blown on me. I opened my eyes to see myself face-to-face with Shadow. Now, the last time I was this close to a dog’s face, I ended up with a lot of stitches and a couple unsightly scars in my lips (but that is a different story for a different time) so naturally I couldn’t help but be terrified. My heart began to race, and I was in the process of kissing my meal ticket goodbye, when he lunged at me. I closed my eyes waiting for the pain. But What I felt instead was a dog tongue all over my face. I couldn’t help but laugh, and thus was the start of a beautiful friendship.

I was planning on taking him out for a walk today when I got home from class, to try and pick up some chicks (and thus test of that actually does work), but if this rain keep up it won’t happen. Maybe tomorrow if the weather clears up?

Tune in for the next installment.              

Operation: Shadow Watch

Before I get into anything… YES, I do realize recently my blog posts have been minimal and erratic. I apologize for that, but the fact of the matter is that I haven’t had much going on lately, or at least nothing that is worthy enough to share with you all. I want to give you only the most entertaining anecdotes of my life, so when the only thing I can find to write about it how I have nothing to write about, I don’t bother wasting your time. However, have no fear! I think I may have a live one here, folks.

Let me begin by bringing you up to speed with some brief background information: I live at the bottom of a dead end hill, and when I was growing up there were woods (actually just a thick grove of trees that we all called ‘the woods’) directly across the street from my house, which always gave us a feeling of real privacy. A few years back someone purchased the land, tore down all the trees and put up a duplex. The residents of my street were very unhappy, and are still a bit sensitive about it to this day (although that’s another story for another time). On the bright side, though, at least we got some good neighbors out of the deal. The newlywed couple on the left side moved out after about two years and we now have a young bachelor who is very friendly, though hardly ever home, and on the right side there is a very nice family of Michelle, her husband Sergio, their young son Jacob, and their dog Shadow. I've had  few conversations with members of the family, but I've never really had any hands on interaction with Shadow, though he is always running around the street with little Jacob.

Just so you can get a visual, the dog in question is half Black Lab and half Great Dane, so you could only imagine the size, and I always joke that there is a black horse running around my street.

Well last week Michelle approached me and told me that she and her family were going to Florida for vacation from the 12^th to the 19^th, and asked if I would have any interest in watching Shadow for them. Naturally I said I would love to, as I’m a big fan of dogs (though I am adamantly a cat-person) and it’s not like walking directly across the street to play with a dog is exactly strenuous work, haha.

Saturday morning I went to meet Shadow (who likes me… at least as far as I could tell) and speak to Michelle so she could give me the rundown for when to feed him, let him out, etc. 

It wasn't until today that I realized, because this is a new experience for me, and as I've been bit short on blog material lately, that starting next week I will begin ‘Operation: Shadow Watch’ documenting the daily events as they unfold. Hopefully you will all stick with me through the journey, and hopefully my efforts to care for this canine behemoth will keep you all sufficiently entertained. Stay tuned for day one which should be coming up probably next Monday the 11th, or if not then definitely next Tuesday, the 12th .         

IN-jake-TION

The past 5 days I’ve been going through a strange phenomenon that I dubbed “Double-Dreaming” where I have a short dream instantly after I fall asleep, and then later I have the ‘Main Dream’.

Now at first I thought nothing of these little pre-dreams, since they were quite brief and too hazy to really remember. However I kept having what seemed like the same one over and over, night after night, and each night it grew more and more vivid, until last night it seems to have fully formed as I can remember it perfectly. Because of this, I’m rather suspicious, and in the back of my mind (as foolish as I know it is) I can’t help but question if it was REALLY a dream or simply some kind of Inception situation I should not have seen. Let me explain the progression of the dream and you can come up with your own conclusion…..

Last Sunday night the instant I rolled over to go to sleep, (I think it was even before I was actually fully asleep because I felt conscious) a brief dream kicked up but it was just a bright blur, and I fell into deep sleep before I could give it another thought.

Monday night was the same deal, as the instant I shut my eyes to go to sleep I was hurled into the weird pre-dream. Again, it was a bright blur, but I could hear the constant beeping of a hospital heart rate monitor. Again after just a few seconds it ended and I’m assuming I had another dream after, thought I don’t remember it, and when I woke up I put it on the back burner and really thought nothing else of it.  

Tuesday night, the exact same thing as the instantly I laid down and shut my eyes the strange pre-dream began again, same bright blur, same constant heart rate, only now I could hear faint voices. The words were too muffled to make out, but it was quite obviously a conversation of some sort. But as before, after only a few seconds it ended and my real sleep began. I woke up the next morning and was very suspicious but chalked it up to the mysteries of dreamland, and went about my day.

Wednesday night(surprise, surprise) was the same ol’ song and dance, bright blur, heart rate monitor, muffled voices, however this time the brightness had subsided enough to make out smaller very dim, colored lights all around and dark silhouettes of what I concluded was people walking around, though I couldn’t make out any features. As always, it ended rather abruptly and I proceeded into another dream (this one was particularly frightening, as I got baked into a pie by an elderly couple…. But that’s another story for another day) but when I woke up I really took notice and was struck by the peculiarity of this ever progressing dream, however I decided before I would settle in and really try to analyze it, I’d give it one more night and see if I had it again, and if so, if anything more compelling came to light next time around.

Oh boy did it ever! Last night the same routine, bright blur, heart rate monitor, muffled voices, faded colored lights, silhouettes, however after a moment my eyes began to focus, and I could eventually see everything as clearly as this computer screen is right now….

I was laying on my back in a bed with baby blue sheet draped over me. I couldn’t move any part of my body except for my head slightly from side to side. The room was a giant circle which was a nearly blinding white, there were various people in long white lab coats puttering around, and the center of the room was a huddled mass of equipment that looked like giant computer hard drives. On these devices were small red, green, and blue lights which I identified as the ones I saw through the haze in earlier dreams. Upon looking around the circle (the parts I could see with my limited head movement) I could see countless other unrecognizable people in beds just like I was, and hooked up to various machines. I turned to my left and saw a familiar face…. Andrew Brown was next to me; however he looked to be unconscious. I tried to call out to him, but my voice was very quiet and weak. I was unable to see who was to my right s there was equipment in the way.

Suddenly I heard a female voice say, “OH! Doctor? Number 24 is awake, again.” At that moment, a man seemed to magically appear at the foot of my bed reading something off of a clipboard. He was bald in the middle of his head with short brown hair on the sides. He had glasses on, and the knot of a dark green tie could be seen poking out from above his white lab coat. He turned to his side, farther than I could look, and he said, “Nurse, please prepare the shot.” Then he looked down at me, smiled and said, “You’ve been giving us quite a bit of trouble lately, Mr. Amirault.” I was unable to respond and after a second a woman dressed as a nurse from the 1950’s (white dress, little hat, the whole nine yards) came into view. She was very attractive with short curly brown hair, and a very pretty face. The doctor told her to ‘proceed’ and she leaned over me and lifted up my right arm. In one hand she held my arm, and in the other she brandished a rather large syringe filled with a neon yellow substance. I got very frightened at this point, but my cries of fear were nearly inaudible. The Doctor must have noticed my discomfort and said, “Now, Now Mr. Amirault. Its ok, you’ll forget all about this unfortunate event by the time you wake up.” I looked back up at the nurse who was now tying a rubber strap around my bicep, and tapping on the inside of my arm (where blood tests are usually performed). She slid the needle into my arm and pushed the plunger, but I couldn’t even feel it. The Doctor asked, “Do you have a preference as to what kind of dream you have tonight, or shall we just choose for you?” I was scared and confused and could only manage to answer with a weak, “What?” when suddenly it went dark.

I woke up this morning very shaken. I’ve always been prone to having wild and vivid dreams, but this one was different. In a weird way, this one was REALLY realistic, and I don’t know how I feel about it. I know it was just a dream, but I can’t simply ignore the fact that it had been developing for days, and the Doctor even said my lack of staying asleep was causing them ‘a lot of trouble lately’. Maybe the injection was supposed to wipe my memory but it didn’t work on me. Who knows!

Have I accidently caught a glimpse to a horrible truth I never should have seen? It’s highly unlikely…. But I’ll let you be the judge.